Your enabling father might have become a flying monkey to avoid the narcissistic abuse he also suffers. Being abused does not mean people should not be held accountable for deciding to abuse others in turn nor turn a blind eye to abuse. I'm trying to work on this misplaced hurt and resentment. She isnt alone, of course; I often hear from daughters whose fathers either stood by or retreated to the safety of a den or workshop, or hid behind a newspaper, or, even worse, encouraged their children to be accepting and understanding of their mothers. Yes, I had an emotionally challenging childhood. But she acted like we were a normal, happy family. Are Zoomies a Sign of a Happy Dog or a Crazy Dog? Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. You sentenced me to a life of feeling bad. She revealed that something similar had happened with her as well, and her mother had confronted the abuser in front of my friend. Mind you, my two brothers were scared of him too, but they dealt with it by being the boys he wanted them to be. She only tells your father what she knows he needs to hear to go along with her behavior. She seemed detached and not empathetic during the video and came up with excuses for not doing anything such as I was young, I didnt know what I was doing, you were a mistake/accident I loved him more than you (she pitied him because he had no parents).. the whole time Jeannie was comforting and protecting her moms feelings when it should have been the opposite! Wow you're seriously typing all this in this sub? To me, that is what a mother does. I am regretting this very much. You were just a child, and its not your responsibility, but now you can protect that little you who still lives inside of you and whos still afraid of your toxic parents. My feelings matter, I am hurting and I will speak up. How Do You Know If Your Mother Is Emotionally Abusive? I know I was very angry at my father for a long time because he failed to do anything about narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. Mostly because he was a deadbeat and wouldn't cough up the child support each month. The only person he was even remotely nice to was Mom. And it can leave you feeling down, or . Scribbles about social issues and personal life. But you didnt. Bottom line is I was a child and she was an adult. I missed out on 20 years. If she is 25 , why does she live at your parent's home? Your thoughts?. She didn't want for money, she could have arranged it and executed it in a day. He didnt witness much of ithe was at work all day, and she was careful not to look like a harridan when he was homebut he also thought that she was in charge of me and the household, just as he was charged with providing for the family, so my guess is that he pretty much looked away. Letter to my mother who didnt protect me. Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. I'll work on it, for sure. I had to start all over in a new apartment after that confrontation and I was depressed and weak. They're getting a bit better in their old age but the damage will never be undone. Required fields are marked *. This comment has been removed because it goes against our rule, "always assume a context of abuse". Parents can be unaware of just how they can continue to get under the skin of their adult children. I dont want you my life or space ever again. | You put everyone and everything else before me. Mass Shooters and the Myth That Evil Is Obvious, Transforming Empathy Into Compassion: Why It Matters, The Best Reasons to Commit to a Relationship, Verbal Abusers and the Fine Art of the Blame-Shift. I dont accept that minimal love and I dont want your gifts. You're right that she was surely just trying to protect us. I am glad he is dead. Please be kind to yourself, and know you won't feel this way forever. My mother still dismisses me, and my father finds me lacking. Yes they are huge steps for me and I know that you understand! But that's the thing, he got to choose to leave, how much longer he would abuse us and she would let him do it? Sometimes, the bad guys arent easy to spot. Because of how your narcissistic mother has manipulated and abused your enabling father, he may have come to see no way out of the situation. Click to reveal The term flying monkeys comes from the movie. The Narcissistic Mother or Father: Why they make their children suffer Today I would like to focus on the psychology of a narcissistic mother or father and why it is so likely to end in abuse for their children. Some time had to pass so I could wash those feelings out. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); A blog full of tips, inspiration and freebies! I had nightmares that she would rear her horrible double headed monster self. Thats the truth.. She is the author or coauthor of 15 books, including Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. I'm mad that she died and he lived. After a big fight would happen I usually went running to my room and she wouldnt come to comfort me, she would instead be consoling him and trying to calm him down. When she went into therapy, the specifics of her story helped her understand the role shed played in her parents relationship. Thank you for your rant/vent because it made me feel less alone and I connected with your story. I guess its her choice tho. Even so, in recent years Mum has made a habit of raising the issue of my assaults unprompted, to explain that she wasnt a bad parent. All of it hard, forging ahead where others dare not go, and dont understand because they have not suffered, been in chains as if captive. I am sorry I could not do better. Just because you're in a safer house now doesn't mean you stop needing help, so if you ever need to reach out to somebody, feel free to dm me! Her mother had gotten pregnant in her freshman year of college which propelled her and the boy who became Julias father into marriage. You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. I see your increasing vulnerability as you get older and I wish you happiness for the rest of your lives. Its not really the case that your enabling father didnt love you. Whether you cut her out of your life or not will depend on whether you think it would cost you more to keep contact up with her than it would if you were estranged from her at the time of her death. I will not pretend anymore and allow you to come and stay with me like nothing happened. And it gave a dent on my mind. Your feelings are natural under these sad circumstances, OP. It brings me to tears thinking about her wasting the rest of her years on such a horrible person. Even now, as an adult married, three girls of my own, a teacher I struggle to find the right words. Cheaters cheat liars lie and people who are like this do this too. Share . JavaScript is disabled. Its a very real blind spot. Does a Dog's Head Shape Predict How Smart It Is? I'm sorry you've suffered the same but I hope you're in a better situation now and able to heal and move on with your life. It hurts that I needed her and she wasn't there. My mom didn't protect me from my dad and I feel guilty for being resentful towards her Just a vent. I might be ignorant in some aspects of life, but I will never, never do what my mother intentionally did to me. Emotions aren't a zero sum game - your resentment is valid. My mom and I were shopping in the market for some clothes when the sales-boy brushed his hand on my legs while hovering around the place. What Is Worse Than Sexual Abuse By Your Mother? Laughing at myself, and learning to love (live with) it! They will do so even at the expense of their own children. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. I cannot see any choice other than to cut communication with Mum to manage the distress her behaviour causes and I am in the process of seeking counselling. I dont want to talk about the weather or my cousins wedding. But when I later confronted him, she victim blamed me and said I am always bringing drama and she supported my dad. Yes, my mom catered to my dad all the time. He might also have fallen for the lies your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior. An empty chair was a better father, and Mom didn't do everything she could to protect us. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-4','ezslot_1',120,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-4-0'); Narcissists often have many enablers in their family including their partners, children, friends, and coworkers, among others. It was always about getting her needs met. But now I do hold her accountable for not taking my side, or making any effort to protect any of her children in any way; she wasnt voiceless by nature, but she chose to be. Its not really the case that your enabling father didnt love you. My mom talked to us briefly about it but besides that we sort of acted like everything was normal. . This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. - Werner Herzog. 291K views, 184 likes, 19 loves, 139 comments, 48 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Comedy Central: Hood Adjacent sat down with Beyonc fans who would do anything to protect Queen Bey. , but one that the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage. You can care for that little child who never got what they needed, and you can be your own adult hero. The emotional confusion created by the bystander parent is very real and can complicate the process of recovering from toxic or damaging childhood experiences. But I cant change the past. I feel like I'm in/was in a similar boat. Really we were all kids competing for my dads attention and I got it in a horrible way (covert sexual abuse) now looking back and my brother was completely emotionally neglected. She's a very kind and loving person, and she did get us out of the situation and we're now living a new life. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Source: Photograph by pezibear. It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. She has a new boyfriend who treats her well and we get to live with them. Confused about acronyms or terminology? . This means they actually become addicted to the roller-coaster ride of positive and negative responses from the narcissist. Years after the abuse, we were in a counseling session together talking about the effects of my step-father's alcoholism. You were just a child, and its not your responsibility, but now you can protect that little you who still lives inside of you and whos still afraid of your toxic parents. Mom worked her ass off for us because he wouldn't. I was the youngest of 5 and got the worst of it, they had me when my mom was 40 and my dad was 50. You had a dangerous, difficult past and reminders of it become intolerable. She and I have become distant, estranged without declaring war, as our parents age. I didn't mean that I resent my mom, I still love her and I don't let this hurt affect the way I treat her. If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. All her energy seemed to be spent on placating him, and catering to him. These are such difficult but necessary things to do. That was the emotional crucible for Jenna, now 60: I think my dad loved me in a way, but he also left me utterly confused about loyalty and trust. Fast-forward to present day. My mother, who didn't protect me from abuse The letter you always wanted to write Sat 11 Jun 2016 01.29 EDT Last modified on Tue 20 Sep 2016 05.38 EDT O ur first five years together were great.. She refused to help me clean and get me groceries when I asked. Because they are abused as well and it's become 'survival mode'. My memories are hazy, but they are happy memories and I know I was happy too. Cookie Notice I read the post up until the letter and just couldnt read any further. leaning toward or towards By On May 9, 2022. My mom, who normally ruled with an iron fist and an angry slap, became undone at the notion that she had lost control of one of her eight children. Call law enforcement.If your parents cannot control her behavior and she is indeed physically abusive, you have every right to call the police if you feel threatened or if your physical well-being is at risk. my mother didn 't protect me from abuse my mother didn 't protect me from abuse. When I got older and started to push back, my father would step in. I wont wish you contentment because I dont feel you deserve it. Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. She had abused me and my father enough in her lifetime of roughly forty years that I have not shed a single tear for her, neither did my father or brother- until now! Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. There is no guarantee shed be able to say what you need to hear, or stop wanting that good mother label. Its not uncommon for a narcissistic mother to say things like, If I dont do this, youll never be successful when you grow up. She might also have convinced your father that her abusive behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult. I felt like I was reading my own story, except I think I'm quite a bit farther along than you. In the movie, the wicked witch had flying monkeys who helped her carry out her dirty deeds. At least you can still talk to her about it, and that can help lead to some breakthroughs. Only you can know that. A hug would have been a good start. When you prioritize your needs and set strong boundaries with any abusers in your life, that opens a space for compassion and forgiveness which is vital for your mental and physical health. Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. I now see how incapable my mom was to be a parent, nurture, and love unconditionally. It is hard enough to confront the fact that one parent isnt treating you as he or she should, but to focus on the roles both parents played in your treatment takes it to a whole other level. The question Several times in my childhood I was sexually abused by different men, starting from age six. by | May 9, 2022 | directions to newark airport arrivals | trec commercial contract improved property | May 9, 2022 | directions to newark airport arrivals | trec commercial contract improved property I havent been feeling good about saying no to her, I have felt guilty and mostly sad. And that's ok. You raised me to feel bad about everything and take responsibility for others. Sorry for this, I just needed to get it off my chest. You spanked me when I sexually acted out what I was taught with other children. The day my mother didn't protect me. If I got an A or succeeded, shed pretend it didnt happen or tell me it wasnt important. Instead she went to Florida and kept saying how happy she was! Your emotions are valid, and you're entitled to have negative feelings towards someone you love while still loving them. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. She didn't get a chance to retire or rest. Didn't leave a lot of time for us. I hope that one day you will say sorry but, deep down, I know that day will not come. All she had to do was find a place to live and leave with us in tow. Please review our rules before interacting again. I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture. Im the creator of Innertoxicrelief.com, a blog that addresses various aspects of the narcissistic personality. Why Are So Many Young Men Single And Sexless? You'll come to forgive her, even if the trauma is still there. Imagine how your mom feels? Are you kidding me? In the movie, the wicked witch had flying monkeys who helped her carry out her dirty deeds. Then it happened, something I couldnt understand, something I couldnt explain, something I knew wasnt right. She never asks about the divorce proceedings and will talk about the weather and how this cousin or that relative looked gorgeous at her wedding. Its vital to your healing process to really understand the role your father played in the abuse you suffered and why he didnt do more. I hope we can get past this as well. If this is so, even an acknowledgment and an apology might not work, as it might not feel sincere to you. I had seen, maybe, ten monsoons of my life by then. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding. Saving others from harm does not matter to them. When she called me evil and bad, she didn't care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. I suppose I also needed to vent. Our first five years together were great. My mother told me to be patient when I told her how my husband had pushed me against the cupboard, throttled me and bruised my arm. Of course, you couldnt have. That is a question I received a few weeks ago from a reader who had believed that her issue was with her father until she began to read my book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. I hope things keep getting better for you moving forward. And how that ties into this? Many thanks as always to my readers and those who shared their stories with me for my books. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-2','ezslot_5',119,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-2','ezslot_6',119,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-2-0_1'); .box-2-multi-119{border:none !important;display:block !important;float:none !important;line-height:0px;margin-bottom:7px !important;margin-left:auto !important;margin-right:auto !important;margin-top:7px !important;max-width:100% !important;min-height:50px;padding:0;text-align:center !important;}Many children of narcissistic parents cant understand why the other parent doesnt protect them. My mother was almost welcoming of the brake she would get from his alcoholic rages and abuse in every way. What To Write To My Mother Who Didnt Protect Me From Abuse? Also Ellen DeGeneres recently talked about how she wished her mom had protected her instead of not believing she was being sexually abused and staying with the abuser. Children need someone who can focus on their needs and help them become independent adults. It helped me and I have sent it to a few bloggers who are grappling with this very complex issue. You hate her bringing up the subject of your abuse, but I wonder what it would mean to you, to hear your mother say something like: I made terrible mistakes when you were a child. I dont think she is cruel by natureshe's meek and afraidbut she just gave up her own thoughts. Thats Narcissistic fathers are toxic parents who are typically grandiose in narcissistic style, bragging about their superiority to family and friends while tearing down their own immediate family without Narcissists are one of the worst types of parents a child can have, and they often leave their children with lifelong scars. It is obvious that my friends mom, who happened to be a teacher in our school as well, set a perfect example of being a protective mother. Support for Abuse Survivors. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. She didnt want others to find her out-her true identity. Im sorry you had to grow up with that family life its so damaging. I'm sure we can work through it with time, but for now it does help to know that these feelings are normal and other people have experienced them. This was perhaps the first incident of physical abuse, which I shared with a friend in school, before telling my mother. For more information, please see our No one is wholly one of these but, rather, a mixture of both, and if we cling to the good mother label it can get in the way of repairing our mistakes of the past. Erin Wood Has relatives who are children Author has 1.4K answers and 2.2M answer views 4 y Related I was abused at 9 years old. But what I'm really mad about is that she didn't do what was needed to protect us from him. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done. So in a narcissistic family system, the father throws his own children to the wolves, so to speak, to be on good terms with his wife. "I didn't feel I could say anything as a child because I feared no one would believe me," said a young adult male, due to the perpetrator being a church leader. I just want everyone to get along.. As for me, I will make sure I listen to everything my daughters say to me. Its easy for victims to blame their narcissistic mother for her abuse, but they are often reluctant to accept their anger toward their enabling father. I have a memory (one of my very few) where she is tending to a rash/sores that were around my vaginal area. Cloudflare Ray ID: 7a16145568cea223 Perhaps the hardest task of all is for an unloved daughter to set healthy boundaries with her mother. I am glad he suffered in his final days. I didn't mean to discount her experiences and trauma at all- trust me, I'm aware of what went on (although of course I don't know everything that went on behind closed doors, just that I know that she was hurt and manipulated as well) I'm aware of how extremely difficult it is to get leave your abuser and I commend her courage in doing so. Of course, you couldnt have. The cycle of abuse creates a trauma bond, so the enabler parent is conditioned to please the narcissist to avoid another altercation. This post can help you understand just how you can recover and live a happy life. My mother was hugely critical of me and sniped at me unfairly and constantly. You can be grateful that she found the courage to get you out of that situation while also resenting her for every day she let him abuse you. Another thing that often happens with enabling partners of narcissists is that they become trauma-bonded. I relate to so very much of this! You called my child naughty. But when I was being yelled at and I needed an adult to be there and provide security, there was no one. Reading between the lines of your email I wonder if your mother always makes everything to be about her and sees her children and others as being lesser somehow, rather than of equal importance. In Black & White Coping with Family while Healing from Abuse or Assault, Where The Eagles Fly . You put everyone and everything else before me. PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AT ALL COSTS. Thank you very much. It is important to strike a balance between the motivational and protective double-edges of fear. Individuals must not push themselves or be pushed to do the thing they fear prematurely. If she could acknowledge this has been her legacy and she regrets the decisions that led to it, then I hope you could both be winners. She loved to see me in pain and would laugh and smile. I guess I just feel used and wish I knew what was really happening. Managing in the War Zone. It has taken me years to really understand that loving someone doesnt require you to lose your soul and that how she treated me was about her, not me. It was so painful and I am just realizing that I was emotionally abused also. Learn Some Helpful Tips And Tricks To Help You Get That Green Thumb. Nobody was there, and I find it harder to trust people because of it. I love them but I will never really forgive either of them for the childhood my sister and I had to endure. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.". My journey through the depths of hitting rock bottom and how I faced my fears and have started to turn my life around. Why Didnt My Enabling Father Protect Me? He'd disappear every weekend, was gone every night, and an abusive jerk when he was around. My dad was always first and I felt that, yes my mom tucked me in every night but she never had time to actually check in on my mental health because she was too caught up in managing my dads mental stability. For a long time, I saw her as powerless economically, and I thought that justified her decisions. I feel so bad because I love my mom and she's done a lot for us, but I wish she had the courage to leave sooner so I wouldn't have all this horrible emotional trauma weighing down on me all the time. Its no wonder that some daughters choose to look away as best as they can. Philippas answer Im sorry all this happened to you and that you still live with the consequences of it. For years, I thought she was as under his thumb as his five children were and that she had no choice but to take his side. My father is a control freak and a bully, but she considers him strong. Ive been diagnosed with PTSD due to the assaults. Anecdotally, at least, theres much more denial involved when its the mother who is cold, uncaring, narcissistic, or manipulative. And my dad was also not qualified to be a parent as he was emotionally crippled, was on the spectrum and was severely abused as a child. Its worth saying that from a cultural point of view, it is easier to be open about an unloving father than it is to talk about an unloving mother, which flies in the face of all the mother mythsthat all women are nurturing, that mothering is instinctual, that all mothers love their children. I imagine she feels that the shame, humiliation and guilt of saying she messed up would be annihilating for her because she might feel she would lose that identity of good mother shes made for herself. Hmmmm, in my house it was my father that failed to protect me from my mother. Her mother never finished school, and her father worked at a job which paid the bills rather than following his passion. . my mother didn 't protect me from abuse. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1','ezslot_3',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-banner-1-0'); The narcissist convinces them with manipulation tactics like gaslighting and projection that they are the ones at fault for any problems in the relationship. Jennas comment mentioned earlier that her father loved me in a way is echoed in other adults stories; while dealing with the obviously toxic and hurtful parent presents its own set of problems, dealing with the parent who appears to collude in important ways has its own pain. Their codependence was a survival mechanism, but one that the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage. 28.9K Likes, 156 Comments. Theres nothing passive about standing by and watching your husband abuse your children. Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and being financially responsible for the house. But even if it does that's ok. She has very little to do with our mother and skips family visits and takes Dad out on her own. what happened to polish tv company; most in-demand show in the world. Some days I can feel generous and forgiving, but a lot of days I just feel cheated. She absolutely saw the emotional damage, and she didnt lift a finger in protest. I know she would say that she loves me, and perhaps she does, in the way shes able to. Not long ago, I got this message from a woman, now in her mid-50s: For years, I focused on my tyrannical father and how afraid of him I was. Support each month why does she live at your parent & # x27 ; t protect from! To Florida and kept saying how happy she was surely just trying to work on this misplaced and. Their father doesnt protect them new apartment after that confrontation and I am always bringing and. It wasnt important narcissistic abuse he also suffers meaningful life possible sent it to few... Didn & # x27 ; s home tending to a rash/sores that were around my area. Are n't a zero sum game - your resentment is valid farther along than.! Another thing that often happens with enabling partners of narcissists is that they become trauma-bonded men! 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